Freedom

In "faithfulness in prayer" and in "true love" - if you truly love God above all - there is a point at which you must be willing to let go of everything else completely. I believe I am there. I am letting it be. I am letting it go. I am laying it down. I am free!

I will continue to be faithful in prayer
I will continue to hope
I will continue to dream
I will continue to feel the way I do (I can't imagine that changing)

HOWEVER...

I am laying down my hope
I am laying down my dreams
I am laying down my feelings

The IBM or Me?

I can't believe I'm quoting Vanilla Ice!

"Drop that zero and get with the hero!" - Vanilla Ice in some horribly bad movie he was in, I remember it from watching the trailer back then

I was again watching my favorite movie and I realized something. In a lot of love stories (Romantic Comedies), there are two men that the woman must choose between. One is usually great. He has everything that she's been looking for, as far as qualities go, but there is no chemistry, no excitement, no spark. The other is not what she thought she wanted at all, but there is a spark that she cannot deny. As an audience, I think we always tend to get behind the guy where there is a spark, and we root for her to choose him!

Why is that? Are we being conditioned through the movies we watch to believe that there can only be a spark with men who do not have the qualities we seek? Are we being conditioned to believe that the "good men" are boring? What exactly does this say about us as a culture and is it possible that the USA Divorce Rate is connected to this?

Another question I have is, how should a guy react when he doesn't really know which side he is on in a woman's eyes?

I have been watching a lot of these love stories in the last two weeks and I have naturally been seeing myself on the side of the man that the woman decides to come back to, but what if the woman views you on the other side? Watching these movies for her, would have a dramatically different effect. I don't know, really. I know movies are just movies, but I also know that emotional stories that are written well can have a profound impact on our soul.

I know I have the qualities that will make for a good husband and father. What I don't know is if I am also on the side where sparks fly. When I am with her and I look into her gorgeous brown eyes, my heart tells me "yes, there is a spark here." It seems like when we are together, all the world is right, but when we aren't there is something wrong that we just can't shake. I don't understand why that is. I guess we will see.

Who am I more like?

Lon or Noah?

Mark (the IBM) or Brian?



The great thing is that I don't need to know the answer yet. Love is patient and I will wait until I feel like God is telling me to move on. I am "built" for love. Love does not shrink back from difficulty, tough situations or pain. I know that there was a time before me, I know that that time produced pain. That pain has to be dealt with. Emotions need to be healed. Shoot! I have things that God is working on me about. This past week has been really hard! Not just because I miss communicating with this tremendous woman of God (and, honestly, the sound of her voice) but because God has been showing me some things in my prayer time that were pretty serious!


More on that in a different blog

Can Pain Be Fun?

OK, I know this may sound a little masochistic, but it really isn't! At least not in the normal connotation of the word. There is nothing sexual about this!

God has allowed me to come to a place and a season where doing what He wants me to do, hurts. I don't just mean emotional pain, I mean emotional pain to the point where I am having physical pain. I am REALLY digging "in there" in prayer. I am praying for strength to do what He wants me to do. I am praying for the desire to do what He wants me to do. I am praying for some deliverance from my emotions. I am praying for the woman I am in love with. I am praying for my future wife. I am praying for my brother. I am praying for his wife. I am praying for everyone that I love. Man, am I praying!!!

Anyway, I am actually very thankful that I am in this place. I am having to give up something that I don't want to give up. I am doing it out of my love for the LORD. I believe that God will eventually bring it back to me, but even if He doesn't, I am so grateful that He allowed me to be in the place I am now. I was in a place last summer (2005) where I had all but given up on a HUGE desire of my heart. God allowed me to meet some people and my hope has been rekindled. It is not specific hope, but my hope in the desire has been rekindled. (I don't know how much sense that makes with me being so vague...) My hope isn't in a person or a situation, but the people that I met showed me that I was premature to give up on the hope for my desire to be fulfilled. (OK, I don't know if that cleared it up AT ALL)

ANYWAY.... The pain that I am feeling now, I can only view as a good thing! I know God is working it for my good! I know that hardship is to be viewed as discipline and that discipline is a PROOF of God's love for me! I know that I am going to grow closer to God and more like God through this! Does it hurt? Oh yeah!!!! It is excruciating beyond anything I have ever experienced! I don't recall EVER crying this much or this often. I feel like a "sissy man!" BUT, even in that, I can see God's love. I can feel God's peace. I'm OK :)

The BLESSING of trials

I am now thoroughly convinced that trials are a blessing from the LORD

WHY?!

Well, you find some interesting things about yourself when you go through trials. You can say all sorts of things about yourself, but you never completely know the state of your soul until you go through something VERY difficult. The Bible mentions, in several places, (and I know I'm butchering these quotes) things like "a man's heart is judged by the praise he receives" (Proverbs 27), "the inclinations of a man's heart are evil from childhood" (Genesis 8) and "The LORD looks at the heart when judging the actions of men" (Jeremiah 11:20 & 17:10) and "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45) --> I have found out some things about my heart that are disturbing (like how emotional I still am) and also some very good things (like the fact that I am not going to be moved by those strong emotions - I am going to move in love). I need God to help me, because I can't change the "bad stuff" by myself. He needs to allow these situations so that I can recognize, confess and pray against the foolishness that is still in my heart. I want to love those whom He has called me to love in the same way He has loved me: which is so gentle, yet strong that I can't even receive it all and I KNOW I don't deserve it!

Hebrews 12:7-14 says:
"7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. 12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. 14 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord."

God is trying to get it through our heads that trials are a GOOD thing. In fact, they are a GIFT!!!! They are a sign to us that He loves us!
*** He is helping us to attain the goal of our faith which is the salvation of our souls. (I Peter 1)
*** He is wanting us to share in his holiness (v.10) - why does He want us to share in His holiness? Because He wants us to be able to see Him!!! (v.14).
*** "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful..." - that seems like such a "DUH!!!!" statement, but God is communicating that HE KNOWS THAT!!! He's not ignoring the fact that it hurts, He is saying that we should look beyond the pain to the goal and the "harvest" that we will reap: Righteousness and Peace - Keep in mind that the Kingdom of God is Righteousness, Peace and Joy in the Holy Spirit! (Romans 14). God wants us to experience the Kingdom!

This is awesome to me! :) There aren't a whole lot of specifics in the New Testament, but every one that I can think of is about how to THINK.

My Father, help us to think the way you want us to, and be focused in the way you would have us be. As we obey, You promised that you would change us "...to will and to act according to [Your] good purpose." (Philippians 2) Thank you that you have begun this work in me (and us) and You are going to be faithful to complete it! I want to be like you LORD!!!!!

Atlanta (homesick)

Atlanta,
It's a very diverse city, which I like. It's nice to see so much diversity and from the looks of it, the diversity isn't huddled. It seems like a pretty good mix :)

It's a CRAZY city for traffic. I live 9 miles from school and if I don't leave before rush hour it'll take me over an hour to get there. Are you serious?! It's like the congestion of Northern Virginia with twice as many lanes!!!

It's very pretty scenery. Lots of rolling hills and Mountains in view as you drive around. Nice!

Having said all of that, I miss Richmond like CRAZY!!!!! I can't picture myself staying down here once I graduate.

All of my VA peeps, I love you and I miss you! Don't be a stranger!

After You Die...

OK,

I don't want to vent too much here, but to all who read this PLEASE, PLEASE prepare for your death BEFORE IT IS IMPENDING!!!!

I. Decide what you want done with your body after you die, then fill out and sign the paperwork that is necessary for that to be done. (To ensure that it will be done)

II. Decide who you want making decisions for you if you are unable to do so yourself and PUT IT IN WRITING!!!! (so that the state doesn't decide for you)

III. Decide whether you want to be brought back and or put on life support and PUT IT IN WRITING!!! (This will keep your "Next of kin" from being accused of murder and/or euthenasia)

IV. Decide what you want to happen to your pets and your property and put it in a will!!!

I am writing this because my natural father is going to die... it could be two weeks or it could be before I finish this blog entry. Either way, I am going through A LOT of drama to love (in the true definition of the word - because I'm not emotionally attached to the man) a man who never loved me. Because of his lack of planning ahead and putting things in writing, I am spending alot of time and money that could be put to better use. EVERYTHING I am doing is something that he could have done himself MONTHS ago! SHEESH!!! This stuff is stressful. Imagine if I was also torn up about him dying! GREAT DAY!!!

SO, moral of the story.... If you love those who are around you, prepare for your death - even if it is not in sight right now. It saves those around you alot of grief.

ALONG SIMILAR LINES...

Death is coming for you. You don't know when, and I hope it is a LONG way off for you, but it is coming. The Bible says that we live once and after that, we will be judged (Hebrews 9) and that God looks at your heart when He judges your actions (Jeremiah 17). Are you a good person? Do you think you've kept the 10 commandments?

1. Has God always been first in your life?

2. Have you made up your own god to follow? (either with your hands or in your mind)

3. Have you ever used God's name in vain?

4. Have you always honored the things of God?

5. Have you always honored your father and your mother?

6. Have you ever killed anyone? Wait... The Bible says that if you are angry without cause, you are in danger of judgement (Matthew 5) and if you hate someone then you are a murderer in your heart (I John 3)

7. Have you ever committed adultery? Jesus said that if you have looked at someone lustfully, you have committed adultery with them already in your heart (Matthew 5)

8. Have you ever stolen anything?

9. Have you ever told a lie? Even a "White Lie?"

10. Have you ever been envious of someone else or what they have?

Did you pass the good person test? It's hard isn't it? only one person has ever passed it. It was Jesus Christ. He came down from Heaven, was born to a virgin and lived a good life. Good by God's standard, which is moral perfection. He lived this perfect life and was killed in our place to take the punishment for us NOT living a perfect life. Three days after he was killed for us, God raised Him from the dead, so that we too can be rescued from the hold of sin (which is law-breaking) and death.

You broke the Law and Jesus paid your fine, it's that simple!

If you trust Him, the way you would trust in a parachute, and turn away from your selfish (and "not good") way of life and live the way God wants you to, God will forgive you and grant you Eternal Life. THAT is how you prepare spiritually and soulishly for your death.

PLEASE be prepared in all three parts of you!!!

Distance Schmistance!!!

Due to some recent events, and others that are impending, I have been thinking a lot about the issue of "distance" in relationships. Natural family relationships, Spiritual family relationships, and Soulish family relationships all can have the issue of distance cloud them.

Well, first let me define the above relationships:

Natural family:
Your human biological family. Your parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, etc...

Spiritual family:
Born-again believers in Jesus Christ have all been adopted into the family of God (John 1:12-13, Romans 8:16, Romans 9:8 & Galatians 3:7 among others) - Jesus said that God's children love Jesus (John 8:40-42) and that if you love Jesus, you will obey Him (John 14:15). Elsewhere, Jesus said that those who do the Will of God are His family (Matthew 12:50 & Mark 3:35)

Soulish family:
The soul (your thoughts, your emotions, and your decision-making - or "will") connects with others throughout the course of your life. Those with whom you bond become more than natural family or friends, they become Soulish family. Soulish family is about connection: in thoughts, emotions or by an act of your will - these people cease to simply be friends or just biologically linked to you. They are more. They are family.

***It is important to note that these families can be, and usually are, interwoven. They are by no means mutually exclusive.***

OK, Now that we understand each other let me just say that I have never had the experience of having a person be all three kinds of family. I hope to, but it hasn't happened yet. No one in my natural family is also spiritual family. Out of 23 living natural family members, only 7 are also soulish family. The largest section of family that I have is spiritual family: every born-again believer in Jesus Christ is included there. I have about 49 spiritual and soulish family members.

I have had many people (that were more than one kind of family) move away. I've also frequently been the family member that is moving away! It always stinks, but it is seldom (if ever) as serious as it feels. When you have a soulish connection with someone, you are always going to hurt when they move to another city, state, or country. It is natural. The wonderful thing about living in the time period in which we live is the methods of communication. We can instantly communicate with someone around the globe. Is it the same as physically looking at someone who is sitting on the couch next to you? No. But I know that relationships can grow and even flourish in the midst of distance. My brother Chris and I talk more now than when we lived together and it would take me 5 hours to drive to his house!!!

The point I am trying to make here is that, while the increase of physical distance is definitely unpleasant (and can fill your emotions with a sense of loss that hurts), it is not necessarily a barrier to growth or intimacy in a relationship. The will to continue to love someone and to be available in their life is all that is necessary (but it is necessary on both sides). Family is for life!!!

Understanding Gethsemane

Is there anything as frustrating or painful as taking the punishment for what someone else has done?

I remember as a child, my sister would have all of her friends over during the summer days while my mother was at work. Without fail something would either get broken or they would end up doing something stupid like using a cup as an ashtray and not washing it afterwards. Also without fail, my sister would say, "Joe did it." And my mother always believed her. I remeber being so frustrated because there was absolutely nothing that I could do to prove my innocence.

Have you ever been in a situation where you say or do something, and someone overreacts in a BIG way? If you haven't I would be surprised. All of us have had someone hurt us. Most of us have had someone that we love desert us or stab us in the back in some way. Those are the wounds that cut the deepest, aren't they? Those are the ones that seem to linger for years. When someone, who is well-meaning, happens to do something that sparks that memory or puts you in a similar situation, it is EXTREMELY hard not to revert back to the pain of the original instance. This is the kind of thing that can start a fight or even end a friendship. It hurts, and it seems SO hard and SO unfair. Why should I have to deal with your bitterness or pain over what someone I've never met did to you? Why should I endure the pain and the punishment that is caused by someone else's sin.

Right?

On a mountainside, in a lush garden, almost 2,000 years ago, Jesus Christ dealt with this same thing. The difference is, what we deal with is, normally, taking the brunt of the sin of one or two other people. If we are honest, we have sinned enough in our lives to deserve any punishment. We deserve to go to Hell, based on our own righteousness. But this Jesus, was completely sinless and He was dealing with ALL of the sins, that EVERYONE else had committed, EVER!!!

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins" (I John 4:10) Therein is the definition of love. You can find a good description of love in I Corinthians 13, but it is defined here. Jesus Christ was willing to go through the beatings, the mockings, the crucifiction, the death, not only that, but He was also willing to go through the anguish of taking the blame for what we did. In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus cried out with pain coming out of emotions that we all face when someone lashes out at us or responds to us based upon someone else's sins. "God, do I have to go through this? I didn't do anything wrong here!" But He left the garden resolute in His decision to go through whatever He had to. His love for us was so great. It didn't matter who was at fault, He would take the punishment that would bring us peace. He would be mistreated so that we could see the love of God.

Are you willing to do that?

Obviously, we don't need to die on a cross, but we do need to die to ourselves. This is what I have heard called "Bloodless Martyrdom," it is setting aside your rights and allowing yourself to be abused in order for someone else to be able to see the love of God. Sometimes the people in your life will react to you based on what someone else has done. Are you willing to take it and love them through that? Are you willing to be like Jesus?

Embracing Rejection

My attitude about rejection has to change and IS being changed...

In my life, I have been rejected A LOT and I have allowed it to affect me. I have never really cared if someone I didnt care about rejected me. The painful rejections came when my heart was open and attached to the person rejecting me (my natural mother and father, my maternal grandmother, my paternal grandparents, my spiritual father, the leadership at a past fellowship, and ex-girlfriends). Those rejections affected how I viewed the world and how I reacted to the people around me.

As I have sought the LORD, I have allowed Him to cleanse me and I am at a point in this process where I now feel like He is scraping the sides of my heart to get the final little pieces of the bitterness that comes from the pain of rejection. The picture Im seeing is someone trying to get the last little bit of peanut butter out of the jar.

Where do I still behave and/or think like someone who is embittered by rejection? What I saw, when I asked myself that question, was a little scary, to be quite honest. I want to be like Jesus and I saw some things that are not like Him at all!

***I saw myself become upset when someone does something inconsiderate when driving.

***I saw myself becoming offended when someone ignores part of the Bible, just so they can continue to do what they want to do.

***I saw myself become upset when I saw "Christians" not seeking God.

That kind of stuff upsets me, it really does! With the exception of the driving thing, I could easily explain those away or quote a few Old Testament Scriptures to prove why I am justified in being upset by those things. "Come and see my zeal for the LORD," right? WRONG!!!

Jesus took all of my rejection and purchased my life during His "passion."

He, during His incarnation, took MY pain and MY shame and was despised and rejected by men for MY sake so that I could be justified (Isaiah 53). Therefore, when I gave my life to Him, MY rejection became HIS rejection and it is something that He has already borne on the cross. Jesus OWNS my life, He purchased it at an extremely high price! "...you are not your own; you were bought at a price..." (I Corinthians 6:19b-20a)

All of the rejection that I might have claimed is now His. This is the case when someone rejects part of the Word. (I Samuel 8:7) This is the case when someone I share the Gospel with rejects it. (Luke 10:16) This is the case when I feel like Im the only one who is really seeking God. (I Kings 19:14) These things are not a rejection of ME, they are a rejection of God, and I have no reason to feel rejected. God has accepted me (I Peter 2:4-10). God has loved me (I John 4:10). That is really all I need to know.

I have no life, except for my life in God

I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, it is Christ that lives in me. (Galatians 2:20) I died, and my life is now hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3) I am a new creature, because I am in Christ. The old things have passed away, and all things have become new. All things are from God. (II Corinthians 5:17-18a)

I am commanded to not be affected by rejection and bitterness

I am to clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility and love. I am to forgive any grievance and be patient with everyone (including inconsiderate drivers) and do it all with the attitude that I am doing it for the LORD and not with a focus on the people. (Colossians 3) Jesus said to not resist an evil person, but to actually turn the situation around and bless them beyond what they would have even asked. He said to really LOVE them and to count yourself blessed when you are treated poorly for His sake. (Matthew 5) I am commanded to view any hardship as discipline and discipline is a gift because God wants me to share in His holiness (without holiness, no one will see the LORD). He also wants me to be trained by the hardship because at the end of the training, there is a harvest of righteousness and peace (Hebrews 12)

If I am not obedient, I am in rebellion, which the LORD calls witchcraft (I Samuel 15:23) and witchcraft is an act of the sinful nature of man - "not good," to be mild J

Obviously, my soul is affected by those things right now. This is the process... I must strive to bring my emotions, thoughts and will into a place of obedience to Him. As I do that, He will change me so that my desires line up with His. This is salvation of the soul. (Philippians 2:12-13) which is the goal of our faith (I Peter 1:9).