I'm posting this, because in order to really love God you have to receive His love first! I wrote this in October of 2005:
Receive the Love of God
On August 23rd, 2005, about 3 AM I was driving on highway 295 in New Jersey, coming back from visiting my brother Chris Lee and his gorgeous wife Hyo Chin (Kim) and their ridiculously beautiful daughter Alyssa when God spoke to me and began to show me who I am to another level.
Let me back up, Chris and I met at VCU in the spring of 1999, just walking through the commons. We never really got together until the next spring, as we both had busied ourselves with campus activities. Chris was in a fraternity and the Black Awakening Choir (a gospel group). I was in the leadership of Chi Alpha (a campus ministry), the Wednesday Bible Study that ReJOYce in Jesus sponsored, and I was the Vice President of COUP (Christians Ordained to Unite for Progress), which was made up of leaders from the different campus ministries. Well, in the spring of 2000, Chris and I met again (after ridding ourselves of our busyness) and at once, we knew that we were going to be good friends. We spent a lot of time with each other, praying, talking about the Word and what God was showing us about ourselves, confessing our faults, eating together, and witnessing, you know – fellowship. We became so close that in March, I got Chris signed up to be my roommate in the dorms the next year. We had gone past a threshold of relationship where we ceased to be friends and we became brothers. That summer, Chris went to work at a summer camp in North Carolina and I went to be a missionary and to be discipled by Stuart Royall in Creighton Court.
By the end of the summer, I had found out that God didn't want me to go back to school in the fall. I wasn't confident in my ability to hear his voice yet, so He had to show me through financial circumstance. I got the message. I was going all out for Jesus. I had given up everything else during the summer – all of my possessions, my friends, and my family. This was the only thing that I had not given up to follow the LORD. Now God wanted it all. I had a very hard time with this because, back at VCU, in the Gladding Residence Center, in Apartment 439, I had security. I had been staying there for just over 3 semesters and in my roommates, Adolph, Josh and Ricardo (and in the fall, Chris) I had finally felt like I was living in a place where I KNEW that I was loved. God wanted me to give that up. He wanted me to get my sense of security from Him. My possessions, my friends, and my family were not that hard to give up. Most of my friends were gone for the summer anyway and neither my possessions, nor my family meant much of anything to me. God was now asking me to give up something that I held very dear to my heart. I was broken-hearted. I cried hard for two days, because growing up in the unstable, hostile environment that I did, I had never felt like I had a home – until GRC 439. I love God more than my own security, so I obeyed and stayed in Creighton Court.
God has repeatedly shown me that this was the right decision; I needed to be spiritually fathered – to be discipled. God helped me out that fall (as my emotions were still hurting) and showed Chris how much I had grown spiritually and he wanted to grow closer to God too, so he started coming down to Creighton Court too. He was at 6:30 AM prayer almost every day and by the next February, he was living and ministering and being discipled in Creighton Court too!
Chris and I were together whenever possible until October of 2002 when he left Richmond to go to Air Force Basic Military Training in San Antonio, Texas. Over the last three years, we have only grown closer. I drove down with his father to San Antonio to see Chris graduate, and the three of us ate Thanksgiving dinner at Golden Corral. When he met Kim, he asked me to come up to New Jersey (where he is stationed) to meet her. Though it was unspoken, he was seeking my approval of his choice of wife. And when I am in that situation, Chris and Kim will meet her first and they will have "veto power."
I went up in August of 2003 and spent a week (three days in a hotel and four with Chris due to a lack of hotel vacancies). Chris and I had many times, during the course of our relationship, in which we talked and prayed about our desires and preferences for future wives and what they would be like. When I met Kim, we didn't have much time to talk, because she was half asleep (I arrived at about 3:30 AM and she drove Chris out of the base to meet me). The next night, I went to shoot pool with Kim and one of her friends, but that didn't allow us much dialogue time, so I really couldn't give Chris any feedback other than "She's gorgeous, Chris." Luckily, after the hotel kicked me out in favor of someone who had reservations, I stayed with Chris and she came by one day while he was at work and brought us some groceries. While she was there, we sat in the kitchen and talked for a good five hours. As the conversation went along, I became more and more convinced that God made this woman to be Chris' wife. It was amazing how God had gone above and beyond everything Chris and I had prayed about, and added some awesome qualities to her that we hadn't thought to pray for. The goodness of God was clearly manifest to me in Kim. The first thing I did when Chris came home from work was give him a hug and say, "God is the bomb, bro! I have no doubts."
I did not see them again until March of 2005, Chris was going to be deployed to the Middle East and he wanted to come down to see me before he left. He actually made the family circuit. He saw his dad in Norfolk, then he came to see me in Richmond, and then he went to see his mom and sister in Washington, DC. I met his daughter and got to spend time with them as a married couple, which was awesome. Then we talked about how we all have a desire to raise our children together, and Chris was glad Kim got to see Richmond, so that God could work it in her heart to want to come too. By the end of their weekend in Richmond, Kim wanted to move to Richmond too. When Chris gets out of the military, they are going to move here.
In the first week of May, Chris was deployed and he was supposed to be gone for 120 days, but God brought him home after 60. That is another story. During his deployment, Kim and I spoke frequently and usually for long periods of time. God has, throughout the course of our relationship, used Kim as an encouragement to me. I believe the three greatest callings a man can have are (in this order) to know God, to be a husband, and to be a father. I have a great desire for all three of these. I am straining to be in a place where, in my soul, I am focusing solely on the first. My faith tells me that the reason I do not have to focus on the other two, right now, is because God is allowing me to focus on the first and I want to do that. That, truly, is my greatest joy. I am excited about my relationship with the LORD and I would not compromise that for anything. I believe God has made me to desire a wife and children, because I believe I am called to all of the three callings I mentioned before. Where I can go off is, my heart can VERY easily slip into wanting the lesser two too much. When this happens, my attention shifts from God to my present circumstances. This is understandable considering the fact that I desired to have a wife and children for 9 years before I really desired to know God. Since I have met Kim, she has been the woman that I can point to and tell my soul, "Look what God does for you when you trust Him!" Every time I talk to her, God ministers to me. When I hear of the way she feels about Chris, the way she trusts him, and the commitment she has to him and to God, I am so blessed. It makes my week, every time, because I see how perfect God's gifts are. All Chris had to do was wait for the right time and trust that God's timing was best.
In late August of 2005, I am driving back from seeing them again and God shows me, through memories, how I was made for intimacy. I am one of those people who doesn't get tired of people I am close to. I want to be around people I love, because then I get to show my love and share my life. I was crying as I was driving because I had just experienced 4 days of that with Chris, Kim and Alyssa. It was great, but it was over. I had to drive back to Richmond, and resume my single life.
Suddenly, I was lonely. I hadn't even gotten on the highway yet! Because of my being made like I was, I didn't like being alone if closeness wasn't clearly visible after a relatively short amount of time. I was okay being alone at VCU because I was going to pray with Josh and/or Adolph that night. I was fine with being alone in Creighton Court because at least once a week Stuart and I would get to hang out, or Chris was around and we could hang out at the end of the day. God began stripping me of these things, as God was requiring more time of me in prayer. I would neglect prayer to be with people I love and God wasn't going to continue letting me get away with that. My prayer life had grown to four hours alone with God every day. During my stay with Chris and Kim and Alyssa, I had not been able to spend that amount of time with Him. God was allowing me that time to catch up and spend with my family (if we saw each other more, we would never allow each other to get away with not praying). I was driving back home, and back to my everyday life, and I was crying. Why? Somewhere deep inside of my soul, I was saying that I preferred to be loved in the natural, where I can see it – where I can feel the hugs. I was saying that this was better than the love of God. I was saying that the love of God is not enough for me.
The truth is that God's love is enough for me and it is much better than any love that we can experience apart from Him. I have in my lifetime broken all 10 of the Commandments: I have not put God first in my life and had other gods before Him (football, money, TV, etc.), making me an idolater I have used His name as a cuss word, making me a blasphemer. I have neglected the things of God (not keeping the Sabbath holy). I have dishonored my parents. I have not physically killed anyone, but I have hated people (like Saddam Hussein, or the guy that tackled Bo Jackson for the last time) and the Bible says that hatred IS murder, thus making me a murderer. I have committed adultery, but even if I hadn't, I have looked upon a woman with lust and Jesus said that, by doing that, I had already committed adultery in my heart, which makes me an adulterer. I have stolen things, making me a thief. I have told a lie and that makes me a liar, no matter whether or not it hurt anyone. I have desired something that belonged to someone else, making me envious. I've broken the law over and over again. I knew it every time I did, too. I can't say I didn't because I had a conscience to tell me. I deserved to go to hell. I had earned my place there by being such a bad person. Knowing how bad of a person I was, God extended his love for me. I John 4:10 defines love, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." On top of this, I know that God's love was so extensive that He has been trying to give it to me since the foundation of the earth (Psalm 78:2, Matthew 13:35, Matthew 25:34, John 17:24, Romans 1:20, Ephesians 1:4, Hebrews 4:4, Hebrew 9:26, and I Peter 1:20). If God is this passionate about loving me, how in the world could I even think to say it is not enough? The problem is not with God or the sufficiency of His love. The problem was with me.
I tried to figure out what my problem was for about a week. I was wrestling with this thing because I don't want anything in my to hinder my relationship with God. Don Coleman, my spiritual Grandfather – I call him that because he discipled Stuart, who discipled me - was speaking at Mechanicsville Christian Center on August 30th and the subject of what he shared was that God was showing him that he needed to receive God's love to another level. As soon as I heard it, I said, "That's what God has been trying to say!" I heard it I just couldn't verbalize it.
Since God gave me utterance to what I was going through, (through Grandpa's testimony) I have gone through an interesting process. I asked God to help me receive His love to another level. I knew that this would involve cleaning out the things in my heart that cause me to not receive His love. God began to show me some junk that was in my heart. I felt like God was teasing me because when He provided for me financially, because it was "just enough" and not "abundance" and because I feel like I am incomplete. When I met Stuart and Grandpa and Chris I knew that God had shown me pieces of myself that I had been missing. I believe I am called to be a husband and a father, and to some extent, I feel like God is keeping me from being complete without them. I can't be either of those things without a wife or children and God has not brought them to me yet. The truth is that God has given me more and more in terms of finances as I have become more faithful with what I have. Also, God has constantly shown me that the call to know Him is much higher than marriage or fatherhood. Plus, He has proven to be faithful, time and again, by giving me what I need - exactly when I need it.
So, knowing the truth, I became very upset with myself for feeling that way. I actually went into a funk for about two weeks because I knew that I had that mess in my heart. During this time, God was trying to get my attention and speak peace to my heart, but I was prideful and decided that I had a right to be upset that I did not fully love God. I was accusing Him of toying with me and that line of thinking is satanic. The devil is the father of lies (John 8:44) and Satan means "accuser" (Zechariah 3:1) and he is called the accuser of our brothers" (Revelation 12:10). God led me reread the definition of love in I John 4:10 and I began to read the context and I saw it clearly said - three times - that love comes from God (one time in those words). He was showing me that it was perfectly natural for me to not be able to completely love Him right away. I have to receive his love before I can give it back. Then He brought to my remembrance II Corinthians 4:18, which is actually the first scripture I ever memorized, in which the LORD says, "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." God does not want me to focus on the ways that I am not receiving His love. He wants me to be aware of them and play my part in ridding my soul of them, but the changing part is His (Philippians 2:12-13). Rather, God wants me to renew my mind and not be conformed to the pattern of this world (Romans 12:2). He wants my mind focused on what is unseen (II Corinthians 4:18). I am to fix my eyes upon Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2). He wants me to press on to take hold of what He died for me to have; to forget what is behind me (good and bad) and strain toward what is ahead, the prize for which He has called me Heavenward. He wants me to do this according to the level I have received. If I am focused on earthly things, I am living as an enemy of the cross of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 3:12-19) The LORD wants me to rejoice in Him always and not be anxious about anything, but in every situation present my requests to God through prayer and petition with thanksgiving. In doing this, God will set His peace like a sentry, guarding my heart and mind. God wants me to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. He wants me to put into practice whatever I have seen in Men of God (including the Apostle Paul), and what I have learned and received from them or been taught by them. (Philippians 4:4-9) When I am in humble circumstances, God wants me to focus on my high position in Christ. When I am rich, he wants me to focus on my low position because all that is "good" about me is fading quickly (James 1:9-10). I am to be obedient to do what I know God wants me to do, and His promise is that He will change me to will and to act according to His good purpose (Philippians 2:12-13). Christ who has begun a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).
His love is the constant.
I must receive it!
Receiving the love of God is my greatest job, want and need.
