Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Hey,
I don't know if ya'll remember these, but they used to show two or three of these "Deep thoughts" every episode of Saturday Night Live. I saw that my natural sister had a book of them. Here are some of the funnier ones.

DISCLAIMER: some of these are VERY stupid, some of them are EXTREMELY random and the rest are just WRONG! But, hopefully, you'll find some of them a bit funny

******* The face of a child can say it all... especially the mouth part of the face

******* It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

******* If you ever fall off of the Sears Tower, just go really limp. Maybe you'll look like a dummy and someone will try to catch you because, "Hey, free dummy"

******* To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's not really any dancing... and there's no choreography... and the dancers hit each other

******* If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all of the time for no good reason

******* Better not take your dog on the space shuttle. If he sticks his head out the window on the way back home, his face might burn up

******* To me, clowns aren't funny. If fact they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

******* I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals

******* If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest part is keeping the students from trying to yodel right off. You see we BUILD to that.

******* Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful flamingo flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a rose in his beak... and he's carrying a beautiful painting with his feet... and you're drunk.

******* Of all my uncles, I think I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes, he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

******* Anytime I see something screech across the room and latch on to someone's neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

******* In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

******* The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

******* Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without all that noise.

******* I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, everyone could take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

******* If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and all your friends are watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you're swimming.

******* I think when the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening and slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

******* Sometimes, when I feel like killing someone, I do this little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A Jack-O-Lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says, "You." After that I usually feel a lot better and no harm done.

******* I wish I had a Kryptonite cross because then you could keep Dracula AND Superman away

******* Too bad you can't grab a tree by its tiptop and bend it over to the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

******* If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one do you think liked dolphins more? I'd say Flippy wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.

******* Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

******* If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where his glove has been.

******* It's too bad whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

******* My wife, Marta, says that the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by one thin strand. Come on Marta, grow up!

******* The old pool shooter had won many a game in his time, but now it was time to hang up his cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing down. "Sorry," he said with a smile.

******* Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me. Then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

******* The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine

******* When you go on a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges

******* You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but is really sad on the inside. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

******* As the evening faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught this morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint

******* If the vikings were around today, I think they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted

******* Sometimes I think the whole world has gone mad. Then I think, "Aww, who cares?" Then I think, "Hey, what's for dinner?"

******* I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

*******It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

******* I hope, if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size. I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

******* Instead of having "answers" on math tests, I think they should have "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what? Can't we all be brothers?

******* Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because "Where does he think he's going?!"

******* If God dwells inside of us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

(Stay tuned for a blog talking about that last one....)